Ah, we move on to the *cough* clear-cut topic of fouling. This topic is so broad it may well need to be split out into sub-sections, but let us dive in with one of our pet hates.

Misconception: If a player "gets the ball" it is not a foul.

Reality: This statement alone has been the justification for some pretty outrageous challenges over the years. The logic is not entirely flawed. In the majority of cases, if the player making the challenge takes the ball relatively cleanly this isn't a foul.

Unfortunately, a number of players seem to regard this rule of thumb as carte blanche to assault the opponent. Routinely we see two footed lunges that are given only a warning (Scholes - Okay, okay, I'm being facetious), or only a yellow when really by the current rules a sending off would be more appropriate. Very often, regardless of the official decision made by the referee, pundits and fans alike defend and even applaud these challenges as "strong", "fair" and "necessary".

So, what is the reality? Well, the reality is that decisions are made by referees based upon numerous criteria that are near-on impossible to quantify in a rule book. Sometimes that means a fair challenge will be viewed as a foul and vice-versa. There really is no way to get around this without stopping the game to review every challenge. If the player get's the ball, it could also be a foul. It's subjective and based on a split second decision and the sooner players, fans, officials and the media all understand this the better. Perhaps we can then get to a place where the governing bodies stop worrying about the number of "home-grown" players in a  team, and look to relieve some of the pressure placed on referees to make the correct decision.

Misconception: The more officials at a match, the smoother the match should run.

Reality: The more officials at a match, the more people there are available to bring a halt to play and get decisions wrong.

The fourth official's role could probably be carried out by a 5 year old; he checks to make sure the players coming onto the pitch have studs on their boots and that any jewelry is taken off (at Anfield it is invariably never seen again...) he then has the tricky task of holding up an electronic board with the players numbers on it that are involved in the substitution - you'd be surprised how often this isn't done with the correct numbers.

Other jobs include holding up a board at the end of the game with their choice of a random number of minutes of injury time that they want to be played, and keeping the "technical area" (the dugouts) free from any sort of drama or managers/staff that show any form of emotion. Generally, they take themselves far too seriously and send off any manager that so much as looks at them in the wrong way as it makes them feel big and powerful.

By carrying out these tasks the matches get stopped and started more often because the fourth official needs to talk to the referee every 5 minutes about "incidents" that he has witnessed or needs the ref to come and stand up to the mean old managers for him because they were being nasty about him and his officiating friends. As with normal referees - when a major incident occurs, they saw nothing. In reality they are about as much use as a tits on a bull, but I don't know how we coped without them...

Misconception: Football pundits are employed by television and media outlets to provide their audience with insight and sensible critique of events.

Reality: It seems the demands of football punditry require the pundit to have a honed selective memory, passion for hypocricy and a desire to kiss the arse of their own chosen team, plus the countries current media darling. The ability to watch a replay and see what everyone else is seeing appears to have passed them by completely.

Regular tales of "When I played the game men were men and centre halfs cut you down like a lumberjack" are told with no real point to them at moments in the game when they aren't required.

The most ridiculous pundit of note is -

David Pleat - If you're looking for a man that can watch a game, and describe something completely different, then he's the man for you. As a witness in a criminal investigation he would be immediately discredited for simply making things up as he goes that are not even close to the actual events.

Pleat, like every old man worth his salt, rambles on regardless of fact, logic and what the commentator next to him is saying. He fails to remember incidents that happened in the first half, or simply didn't see them, but can regail fans with meandering endless tales of when he signed so and so from here and there 25 years ago, yet never mentions his police caution for Kerb crawling around a notorious red light district of London in 1987...

Some brilliantly insightful quotes attributed to pleat are -

1. “A game is not won until it is lost.”
2. “For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip.”
3. "And the steam has gone completely out of the Spanish sails"
4. "I was inbred into the game by my father"
5. "There's a little bit of a South American touch, if that's not Irish, about this European side, Portugal"

In honesty, there are too many to mention them all, but a quick search on google and you can fill your boots. Being 64 years old, hopefully they will force retirement on David at his next birthday.

Misconception: If the ball crosses the goal line by fair play, the attacking team will be awarded a goal.

Reality: Apparently, the team who conceded the "goal" can now decide whether or not they want to concede. If they don't, it is farcically simple to bamboozle the match officials by declaring that the ball did not in fact smash into the back of the net and actually went wide...

Of course, it would be far too easy for the officials to simply admit they've made an error, so the general cover up when something happens is to be called into a darkened room with the chief of the referees - Keith Hackett - and for a cunning plan to be unveiled where they conspire to inform the public that, in fact, they had seen the ball cross the line, but it was irrelevant as the reason the goal was not given was because of an infringement committed by the attacking team during the build up to the goal, although a free kick was never taken from the point of the infringement...

In defence of the referees it would be impossible to put any kind of goal line video technology into place as it would require actual cameras at football matches that would be able to play back the action to someone watching, and at the moment all there is is the £1.782billion deal with BskyB that only televises 140 matches a season, and the BBC highlight programme Match of the Day that has cameras at every top flight match throughout the season - So, it's understandable that something to do with putting cameras on the line and seeing if the ball was actually in would be hard to impliment.

It's a sad day when a game like cricket, percieved as a game for toffs by toffs,  has become more progressive and willing to incorporate change and technology than football.

And people wonder why The Pundits' have been calling for goal line technology.

Misconception: Pre-Season is about getting the players ready for the upcoming season. Results don't really matter, after all it's about trying out new things, improving fitness and helping the team to be sharp for the first competitive game.

Reality: How wrong you are - Pre-Season is all about winning, transfers and *cough* silverware... There are many, MANY important cups up for grabs, and the players realise the importance of these competitions - it's how the success of their careers will be judged - "He may have won the Champions League twice, the Premier League on several occasions, the FA Cup, Serie A and La Liga, but did he win the Asia Cup? No. He is, therefore, a failure."

More often than not these tournaments are played using weakened sides and squad players and are no more of a spectacle than watching the 20k walk at the Olympics. It's mostly down to marketing and making money, although disguised as "an opportunity to let our fans from around the world see the team in action" - Yes, the B team usually.

If your team loses a pre-season friendly then alarm bells should definitely be ringing. The most likely cause of defeat is of course a direct result of your team not spending enough money in the transfer window... Man City spent over £100 million this summer and they had an amazing pre-season...

Congratulations to any team that managed to win any of the following in pre-season -

• Asia Trophy
• Audi Cup
• Emirates Cup
• Wembley Cup
• World Football Challenge
• Amsterdam Tournament
• Peace Cup

With quality opposition like the Kaiser Chiefs or the Orlando Pirates, it is quite an achievement.